I come home from school and work at the end of the day feeling exhausted and wound up. Sometimes I turn to a book or other pursuits, but I decide to turn on Netflix to try and unwind. As I am scrolling through Netflix, I see many different movies and over half have a sexual or pornographic picture on their covers. There’s nothing I really want to watch, so I go to Social Media. I open my Facebook, Snapchat, etc., and see many adds and/or pictures/ and/or videos that show sexual, objectifying, or pornographic pictures and videos. After I have looked through Social Media for 30 minutes, I realize that I feel more drained and more worn down for some reason…
Have any of you experienced this? Or maybe something similar? I wanted to share this to illustrate the example that sexual, objectifying, and pornographic material is being thrown at each one of us EVERY day. We and even our children are not safe. This constant bombardment can cause us to “learn” about sex from a very young age.
I put the word “learn” in quotation because…are we really learning about sex? Is sex really all about treating someone as an object? Or getting only your sexual needs met? Is sex just the focus on the body, physical sensations, and performance? Is sex just straight-up lust? Is sex something we can just play around with? Is sex perfect every time? I am writing this post to clear up some confusion of what a healthy – and most fulfilling – sex-life looks like. I will tell you right now…the answers to these questions are a big NO. This is not what sex is supposed to be like, yet the media tells us this is how it is meant to be. This creates much confusion on what healthy sex and intimacy are to really look at be like, especially on the youth. In addition, this false information can make us go forth into sexual relations with unrealistic expectations of our spouse and their body, and cause us to have insecurity about our own bodies and performance. This makes sex into a stressful and emotionally meaningless experience.
What Does a Healthy Sex Life Look Like?
Author, LMFT, and CFLE, Laura M. Brotherson explains some characteristics of healthy sexuality in an article she wrote. Five of these characteristics are:
- Having body confidence: being comfortable with and accepting one’s body. This is good because you can take your focus off of yourself and more on your partner.
- Showing affection just to show affection. Not all touching should lead to sex; touching and affection should be given just to show affection.
- Agency or freedom to choose. Both spouses (both the high-desire spouse and the low-desire spouse) need to feel that they have a voice in the room and need to be honored and respected when sex is and is not wanted. They should be no manipulation or guilt-tripping/forcing. Spouses must realize that they can choose to a cultivate desire for intimacy within themselves. They may not feel like engaging in sex at first, but a desire can be created. This does not mean the low-desire spouse needs to have sex; it is just important for them to be aware that desire can be cultivated.
- Bridled and Restrained. Sex should not be forced upon anyone; both spouses must be allowed to feel safe and to be able to have some boundaries around how much they desire to use their bodies sexually. The high-desire spouse must practice self-mastery and may not always have sex when they desire. The low-desire spouse must practice developing sexually so they are willing more often. Spouses must have patience and understanding in this process; it creates an opportunity for the spouses to think more of the other.
- Connection-based. We must take the time to focus on our partner and on connecting with them rather than focusing on our performance. Sex is more than just orgasm; it can involve spiritual and emotional connection. We also must be okay with “good enough” sex; this means that sex isn’t going to amazing all the time. Sometimes, a great connecting and psychical experience takes place, and then another time, it just feels nice. This is OK. We do not want to have anxiousness on performance, for this takes away from the connection
I hope this post helps you to know how to have a healthier and more fulfilling sex-life :).
References
Brotherson. L. M. (2019). Raising the bar on intimate relationships. Meridian Magazine: Latter-Day Saints Shaping Their World. Part 1 & 2. Retrieved from
https://latterdaysaintmag.com/raising-the-bar-on-intimate-relationships/
https://latterdaysaintmag.com/characteristics-of-healthy-and-unhealthy-sexuality-in-marriage/
Bednar, D. A. (2013). We believe in being chaste. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Retrieved from
The First Presidency and Counsel of the Twelve of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. (1995). The family: A proclamation to the world. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Retrieved from
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint. (2015). The sacred powers of procreation. The Eternal Family Teacher Manual. Retrieved from
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