Divorce is a rather sad topic to discuss and the choice to divorce is a very individual. My aim in this post is not to change anyone’s decision to divorce, but rather it is to help people know some of the effects/consequences of and think wisely and thoughtfully about their decision to divorce. For those of you who are not considering divorce, this post is even more directed toward you so you can help those you know who are getting or have been divorced. That being said, I will explain some aspects and effects of divorce.

Divorce Aspects

When a person gets divorced, they don’t just separate and physically divorce from their spouse; they experience several other divorces as well. There are six other types of divorce that take place and they are called the six stations of divorce; they are:

1. Emotional Divorce. Emotional divorce involves a lack of respect, affection, and trust. Rather than love and support, the spouses try to hurt one another and often feel hurt themselves; they don’t see their spouse in the brightest light. This can happen before the physical divorce as well as after.
2. Legal Divorce. Legal divorce is when the court brings the marriage to an end. This breaks all ties with the previous spouse; partners are no longer obligated to one another and both have the opportunity to remarry.
3. Economic Divorce. Economic divorce involved dividing up assets and property. Oftentimes, one or both partners feel they are not receiving their fair share or their needs so to live comfortably, and they may feel a loss of living without something they greatly cherish. There can also be much argument and conflict between both partners about who gets what.
4. Co-Parental Divorce. Co-parental divorce is experienced by families who have children. Decisions are made concerning custody, child support, visitation rights, and all other continuing parenting responsibilities. This can often be the most bitter part of the divorce, especially if the parents don’t protect them from the struggles of divorce and if the parents use the children as weapons or manipulation.
5. Community Divorce. Community divorce means that each partner from the divorce leaves one community of relationships and friends. Many of the friends the couple shared often side with one of the partners or feel unsure as to how to interact with both or either one of the partners. Relationships with former in-laws may be non-existent, minimal, and/or strained. In addition, the partners find new people to date which opens up new friend groups and communities.
6. Psychic Divorce. Psychic divorce is when the partner has to change their mindset and really understand that the previous relationship is over and that they have to adapt to and think of themselves as being single. This can cause a person to feel a lack of wholeness and completeness for a time, but over time, they can feel whole.

Divorce Effects

There are many effects of divorce, likely ones you have already heard about. I would like to mention some of the divorce effects on just the couple.

1. Positive Outcomes. As a result of divorce, there can be positive outcomes depending on the situation. There can be more optimism, personal growth, and spiritual comfort as well as improved communication and conflict skills. Those in high-stress or abusive marriages may feel an increased feeling of happiness, safety, and security after a divorce. The two who got divorced may feel increased autonomy and independence – a discovery of their own identity. Divorce is more likely to be positive for females, and a positive outcome is more associated when there is a support group.
2. Health Problems. Physical and emotional health problems are common in those who are divorcing, both while the divorce is happening as well as long after the divorce. Many of these problems may occur due to the stress of the whole situation.
3. Interaction between former spouses. This interaction between former spouses can be either good or bad, friendly and pleasant or unfriendly and uncomfortable. It can happen frequently (especially if kids are involved), infrequently, or not at all.

With any decision, we all need to be informed. For those of you who are considering divorce or have a friend, family member, or someone you care about who is considering divorce, I hope you will take this knowledge to heart and be able to use it to benefit yourself and others. Thanks for reading!

There are several ways to parent and raise children, but are they all good and/or effective? Studies and results say no. There is a certain way of parenting that helps our children to grow up as responsible citizens with morals and values who have high-self esteem, work ethic, and desire to do good; this way of parenting helps our children to succeed in whatever they decide to and helps them stay clear of things that are harmful or not beneficial to them, such as drugs, alcohol, laziness, etc. What is this way of parenting? In this post, I will talk about the three ways to parent; I will explain what they are and which one is the most effective so to help you avoid and/or adopt good parenting principles that will be a blessing to both you and your family.

Parenting Style #2: Autocratic (Dictator)

This dictator-like style has been used for centuries, yet it is not the most effective. This parenting style involves telling our children what to do without giving them a choice and demanding respect even if we are not giving them respect. This parenting style also involves us focusing much on what the child is doing wrong and controlling a lot of our child and their life, which can be a problem in all ages but more especially in the life of a teen, for they are striving for independence. The Autocratic parenting style can have a very negative effect on our children. This style can cause our children to have lower self-esteem, have little trust and confidence in themselves, and have little motivation to try hard. This style can also drive our children away from us and leave them feeling inadequate and feel that we like them. This style can often result in mental health issues for the child. The parent is more concerned about their power/control rather than the child.

Parenting Style #2: Permissive (Doormat)

In an effort to overcome the autocratic/dictator-like parenting style, the permissive parenting style was made. However, this style swings too far to the other side of the pendulum. This style is where a parent lets their child take advantage; the child is the boss of the household rather than the parent. Instead of saying or doing anything that may cause contention/friction or may cause the child to be upset, the parent avoids all this and does/says things to please the child despite their dissatisfaction with the child’s behavior. The parent is more concerned with the child liking them rather than focusing on what the child truly needs. This style results in children who are spoiled and entitled; these children often don’t know many skills and are less likely to do or commit to hard things. The child can grow up without fulfilling their potential.

Parenting Style #3: Active (Respectful Leader)

Being an active parent is the best! An active parent is a leader in the home. An active parent understands that their children are people, too, and they want to be able to choose their life and feel fulfilled and happy. Children’s brains, however, are not fully developed, so their decision-making can be irrational, incomplete, non-comprehensive, and superficial. This is why our children need guidance, direction, and teaching all while loving and respecting them, as well as letting them have some autonomy and choice in their life. Parents need to listen to their child, empathize, encourage, support, and work with their child for solutions. They also need to not be a push-over; as they give the child respect, they must also make it know that they desire respect as well. They act as a team. All these things are what an active parent does. They involve the child, when they are old enough, in the decisions, rules, and consequences if rules are broken. This parenting style has the best effect on children. Children feel better about themselves (high self-esteem), they have a higher emotional intelligence/health, they respect others and themselves, they are more successful and driven, and more love fills their hearts.

Being an active parent will greatly bless your family’s life. Make the changes necessary to be an active parent and watch your home life slowly but surely transform.

For my blog this week, I looked up a scholarly article titled The Effects of Father Absence. There were many important and interesting points in this article, but I will focus on only five that greatly stood out to me. I will also tell of my story of my father and his absence in the home.

The Five Points

Father absence affects education. It was found that the absence of a father due to divorce affects the education at least a little in all ages; they have found that test scores are often lower. However, the lack of father presence affects the child’s high school education and graduation the most. This is around the time you see more children without a father drop out of high school. This is very important to recognize because a lack of education may lead to a lack of money; this may lead to poverty and may provide a whole new set of problems.

Children have a higher risk of early child-bearing. A positive association was found between early child-bearing and father absence due to divorce. There is a greater risk of early child-bearing for the children who experienced their parents’ divorce in early childhood rather than middle childhood.

Father absence affects mental health. It was found that young children who experienced a divorce of their parents often display mental/social /emotional problems by having anxiety and/or depression in addition to acting more aggressively and having difficulty focusing or paying attention to things. In adolescence, mental/social/emotional problems are manifested when they have low-self-esteem, are anti-social, and possibly engaging in drug/substance abuse.

Father absence effects play out over time. It was found that mental health and social-emotional skills were negatively influenced in adults who had been without a father’s presence due to divorce as children. This is important to note because mental illness and lack of social-emotional skills can not only negatively affect their own life but also the lives of their spouse, children, and all other meaningful relationships.

It was also found that those who had father absence had a harder time having employment as adults and may be less likely to work. This, of course, has negative effects on the economy because those who don’t work often rely on welfare or other government.

Father absence affects every child. In this study, researchers tried to rid of the effects that come from an absent father (such as a higher probability to drop out to school and partake n drugs and premarital sex) by trying to include more control variables into the child’s life. For example, they added all the resources needed (food, shelter, education, money) and took out mental issues and negative relationships. No matter what or how many controlled variables they added, the child still suffered at least some of the negative effects of not having a father present.

My Story

As a child, my experiences with my father were negative. My parents had 9 kids and I am number 8 out of 9. By the time I came along, my father was always very stressed due to financial needs that were higher than the financial resources. He would get angry with us kids very quickly. He also would work very long hours and often would get home after I went to sleep. I remember some good memories of him in my young childhood; the rest are not the best. Then when I was 8, my parents got a divorce because my dad was unfaithful and decided to leave for another woman. A year later, my mom remarried and we moved away from my dad. I didn’t talk to him much until I was 15. At that time, I began to have mental health issues related to my dad and the divorce; I knew I needed to work things out with my dad. We began to work things out and talk often; we developed a good relationship. I ended up living with him and my step-mom for a few months and we grew a lot during that time.

Though our relationship is much better, I still struggle with some mental health issues which have resulted in burdensome health issues. I struggle with self-esteem and I lack confidence in many areas.

I raise a call to fathers and mothers. Please, for your own marital and life joys and fulfillment as well as for your children, humble and work on yourself. Fix whatever problems you may have. Don’t give up on your spouse and family; choose to love and give your best efforts to them. Cleave to your spouse (NO ONE ELSE) and be committed to working things out. You and your family will be greatly blessed for your efforts and love.

References

McLanahan, S., Tach, L., Schneider, L. (2013). The causal effects of father absence. NCBI. Retrieved from

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3904543/

Scenario 1: A mother wants to talk with her husband about her children. She thinks she knows how best to handle a situation that came up but she wants to run it by her husband. They go into another room to talk. Things are going well until she explains how she wants to handle it. The husband immediately disagrees and explains his idea. The mother says she doesn’t think his idea is effective. The husband then says something like, “You never listen to me”. The mother gets defensive and acts with some criticism and the husband reciprocates. The result: the husband leaves the house and the mom stays in the room crying.

Scenario 2: A husband wants to do more activities with his wife. One day the husband says, “I want to do more things together”. The wife then says sarcastically and with contempt, “Well, I do, too, but we have kids and responsibilities; I am so busy. Maybe we could do things more if you helped more around the house”. The husband then feels upset and discouraged and says, “fine”. The husband then leaves because he is hurt and the wife is left feeling angry because she feels that she does all the work.

Do these scenarios sound familiar? In both scenarios, the main issues relate to ineffective communication and focus on oneself rather than on the other person. Have you ever tried talking with your spouse and it ended badly, despite your good intentions and best effort? We are going to talk about effective ways of communication to help your conversations and relationships run smoother.

Why is Communication Such a Struggle?

First, let’s talk about why we struggle with communication. I mean, we’ve been communicating since we first learned how to talk, so why do we struggle so much?

One thing we struggle with is that one of our mediums for communication conflicts with another. We have three ways we communicate or three communication mediums. There are

1. Verbal (words)
2. Non-verbal (body language)
3. Tone (what voice we use to say things)

Oftentimes, we try to communicate just with words. But in communication, it is important to note that the phrase “actions speak louder than words” applies here. Only 14% of our words matter when we communicate. Tone and nonverbal communication are more commonly noticed and more important when we speak, for our tone makes up 35% and non-verbal makes up 51% of our communication.

We also struggle with communication because of gender. Men and women think and communicate differently as well as desire to talk about different topics. Note: this is not an excuse to not communicate with your spouse! We can learn how to overcome these differences, and the communication that follows is beautiful.

Another reason communication is halted is because people use what John Gottman explained in his book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work as the Four Horsemen. The Four Horsemen are 4 ways of ineffective communication that damages a marriage; they are criticism/controlling, contempt (like sarcasm), defensiveness, and stonewalling (avoiding, ignoring).

Other things that stop communication include interrupting, threatening, forcing, guilt-tripping, providing solutions, interrogating, ridiculing/belittling, and judging.

But most importantly, NOT LISTENING. We sometimes don’t listen to our spouse, which leads me to the point of this post…

How to Improve Communication

1. Listen. We often let distractions and other people/responsibilities/thoughts/feelings get in the way of us listening intently to our spouse. And we need not only listen to what they say. We need to watch their body language and tone and need to try to decipher the real message of what they may be saying. We also need to listen with empathy, love, compassion, and acceptance, else your partner will not feel comfortable or desirous to talk with you.
2. Know One Another’s Dreams. Oftentimes, we bring things up in conversation because we have a dream/desire/need that is not being met and that we hope our partner can help us with. If you don’t know their dreams, ask your partner about why they want certain things – ask about their dreams. Note: it’s important to know your own dreams/wants/needs so you can help yourself and your spouse.
3. Consensus. Once you have listened to/understand your partner and know their dreams, we must try to help them to fulfill their dreams. We should not try to compromise, for that causes us to focus on ourselves. We must try to talk about and come to a consensus, where we decide to do what will be best for our marriage and our spouse.

All these things help us to solve the issues that are hurting us and help us and our spouse know that we can be comfortable and accepted as we communicate with our spouse.

We have all had times in which we have felt deeply sad, maybe even depressed, and acutely stressed, maybe even anxious. When we feel these emotions, we often don’t like it, and we try to get them to go away; we feel like they shouldn’t be there. And if these emotions persist, we think we somehow have a problem or a brain disorder.

I have an example of this from my own life. When I was 13-14, I began to feel really stressed and anxious about things pertaining to school. People were beginning to talk about going to college, college plans, scholarships, and getting a job to pay for college. At first, these things didn’t affect me because I had decided when I was 10-11 that I would not be going to college due to lack of funds (my family was very poor at the time and didn’t even have enough money for the basics, so college was out of the question). But the leaders at school began to talk about the negative consequences of not going to college and the major benefits of going to college. I began to freak out. I felt so anxious about the consequences of not going to college that I felt so compelled to go, but then I felt anxious about going because I didn’t have the finances, and I began to feel depressed because I didn’t believe that I could do hard things. Because I felt so anxious and none of my friends seemingly felt anxious, I felt that something was wrong with me and that I was weirdly different and more isolated than everyone else, which added to my anxiousness.

But, is it really bad to feel those emotions? If we feel these emotions, does that mean we have a brain disorder or a problem?

I am writing this post to give clarity on these subjects.

Is it bad to feel anxiety and depression? If we feel these emotions, does that mean we have a brain disorder or a problem?

In short, the answer is no. Anxiety and depression are rather normal responses in our bodies. Anxiety is a natural, normal, healthy response to a perception of danger. It’s not a disease or a brain disorder; it is exactly what our bodies are made to do! If you are hiking in the woods and a bear pops out, your fear helps you to react in a way that helps you to survive. Your fear is meant to help you. The problem we have with fear is not fear itself; our problem is that our brains don’t know the difference between real dangers and imagined dangers. Our brains believe whatever we tell it; therefore, whatever thoughts we entertain are the thoughts we believe. This poses a problem if we see people as dangerous; then, we will stay away from all people and have little fulfillment with others. And our brains are beautifully designed to remember danger, so we often remember those things which we are scared about.

Depression is what happens when we perceive there is no escape from danger. We feel hopeless in overcoming our dangers and getting out of our tough spots.

Now, just because these emotions are normal does not mean we need to suffer from fearing over things that are not truly dangerous or being depressed about things we truly can overcome. To help overcome these, we have to realize that we feel these because of our thoughts. We have thoughts that something is scary or hopeless. Therefore, we recognize how we are feeling and recognize the thoughts that are stemming from them. Then we can work to change our thoughts by identifying the distortions of our thinking and then replacing those distorted/twisted thoughts with truths – not just happy thoughts, but actual truths that we believe to be true. To see the 10 ways of twisted thinking as well as a model to help overcome these emotions, see this link.

After feeling these feelings, we have the opportunity to change our thinking to something more positive which gives us more power over our lives and ourselves. These emotions can inspire us to do something productive and positive about ourselves and our situations, helping us to progress into the best versions of ourselves. So please, in your journey, be patient with yourself, honor your body and your brain, and work to overcome the stressors that may come your way so you may become better and feel more fulfilled.

I come home from school and work at the end of the day feeling exhausted and wound up. Sometimes I turn to a book or other pursuits, but I decide to turn on Netflix to try and unwind. As I am scrolling through Netflix, I see many different movies and over half have a sexual or pornographic picture on their covers. There’s nothing I really want to watch, so I go to Social Media. I open my Facebook, Snapchat, etc., and see many adds and/or pictures/ and/or videos that show sexual, objectifying, or pornographic pictures and videos. After I have looked through Social Media for 30 minutes, I realize that I feel more drained and more worn down for some reason…

Have any of you experienced this? Or maybe something similar? I wanted to share this to illustrate the example that sexual, objectifying, and pornographic material is being thrown at each one of us EVERY day. We and even our children are not safe. This constant bombardment can cause us to “learn” about sex from a very young age.

I put the word “learn” in quotation because…are we really learning about sex? Is sex really all about treating someone as an object? Or getting only your sexual needs met? Is sex just the focus on the body, physical sensations, and performance? Is sex just straight-up lust? Is sex something we can just play around with? Is sex perfect every time? I am writing this post to clear up some confusion of what a healthy – and most fulfilling – sex-life looks like. I will tell you right now…the answers to these questions are a big NO. This is not what sex is supposed to be like, yet the media tells us this is how it is meant to be. This creates much confusion on what healthy sex and intimacy are to really look at be like, especially on the youth. In addition, this false information can make us go forth into sexual relations with unrealistic expectations of our spouse and their body, and cause us to have insecurity about our own bodies and performance. This makes sex into a stressful and emotionally meaningless experience.

What Does a Healthy Sex Life Look Like?

Author, LMFT, and CFLE, Laura M. Brotherson explains some characteristics of healthy sexuality in an article she wrote. Five of these characteristics are:

1. Having body confidence: being comfortable with and accepting one’s body. This is good because you can take your focus off of yourself and more on your partner.
2. Showing affection just to show affection. Not all touching should lead to sex; touching and affection should be given just to show affection.
3. Agency or freedom to choose. Both spouses (both the high-desire spouse and the low-desire spouse) need to feel that they have a voice in the room and need to be honored and respected when sex is and is not wanted. They should be no manipulation or guilt-tripping/forcing. Spouses must realize that they can choose to a cultivate desire for intimacy within themselves. They may not feel like engaging in sex at first, but a desire can be created. This does not mean the low-desire spouse needs to have sex; it is just important for them to be aware that desire can be cultivated.
4. Bridled and Restrained. Sex should not be forced upon anyone; both spouses must be allowed to feel safe and to be able to have some boundaries around how much they desire to use their bodies sexually. The high-desire spouse must practice self-mastery and may not always have sex when they desire. The low-desire spouse must practice developing sexually so they are willing more often. Spouses must have patience and understanding in this process; it creates an opportunity for the spouses to think more of the other.
5. Connection-based. We must take the time to focus on our partner and on connecting with them rather than focusing on our performance. Sex is more than just orgasm; it can involve spiritual and emotional connection. We also must be okay with “good enough” sex; this means that sex isn’t going to amazing all the time. Sometimes, a great connecting and psychical experience takes place, and then another time, it just feels nice. This is OK. We do not want to have anxiousness on performance, for this takes away from the connection

I hope this post helps you to know how to have a healthier and more fulfilling sex-life :).

References

Brotherson. L. M. (2019). Raising the bar on intimate relationships. Meridian Magazine: Latter-Day Saints Shaping Their World. Part 1 & 2. Retrieved from

https://latterdaysaintmag.com/raising-the-bar-on-intimate-relationships/

https://latterdaysaintmag.com/characteristics-of-healthy-and-unhealthy-sexuality-in-marriage/

Bednar, D. A. (2013). We believe in being chaste. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Retrieved from

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2013/04/we-believe-in-being-chaste?lang=eng

The First Presidency and Counsel of the Twelve of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. (1995). The family: A proclamation to the world. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Retrieved from

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/bc/content/shared/content/images/gospel-library/manual/09559/family-proclamation-to-world_576522.pdf

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint. (2015). The sacred powers of procreation. The Eternal Family Teacher Manual. Retrieved from

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/the-eternal-family-teacher-manual/lesson-16-the-sacred-powers-of-procreation?lang=eng

Marriage is a big step for most people, and this step can be quite overwhelming. Many of us don’t know all the things to expect and to be aware of when we get married. The above pictures are of my husband and me on our wedding day. Before I got married to my husband, I had no idea all the adjustments and sacrificed I would need to make in my personal life. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have loved being able to adjust and sacrifice a bit; it has brought my husband and I joyful, positive, and amazing growth that we could have never had before getting married. In addition to the growth, however, come some pretty difficult growing pains and challenges. Today, I want to talk about some of the often unforeseen challenges that come to newlyweds/newly engaged people and some helpful tips.

Challenges:

Adjusting to Marriage. Within the first year, many adjustments need to be made in a marriage. You enter into a new social world with new relationships with your spouse and in-laws that can be overwhelming at times. One thing to be noted about adjusting to marriage is that the man and the women have very different experiences while being married. For example, women generally have to make more adjustments than the men, as they are typically expected to accommodate their lifestyle for the husband (e.g. his career, schooling, etc.) rather than the husband accommodating for the wife. When getting married, there are many new responsibilities, decisions to make, topics to discuss, options to consider, and time with your partner. When we are single, all we have to think about it s ourselves, but that changes tremendously when you marry; you have to have a “we” attitude and think about what is best for them and your marriage, causing both partners to sacrifice personal wants (which are blessings in disguise). When newly married, it can also be difficult to know how to divide your time as well as responsibilities. Your spouse will need you, but so will work, school, housework, kids (if applicable), etc. Tip. To deal with all these adjustments, talk with your spouse and turn toward them in and our Heavenly Father in your struggles. Strive to establish equity with your spouse and in responsibilities while having consensus/common values and/or respect for what one another values. Keep in remembrance the good you see in them and the love you share. Chances are, your partner doesn’t want to hurt your feelings; they truly do love you. Positive in-law relationships can also be a huge support during this time.

Expectations. We all have expectations for our partner; however, some of these expectations can be harmful to marriage. For example, it is unrealistic to expect marriage to provide for all of our needs and fulfillment. Other expectations we may have include:

Private Contracts. Private contracts are where each partner in the marriage assumes that there is an agreement about various matters that were never discussed nor written out. For example, a wife may expect that taking out the trash is a man’s job and assumes her husband knows it, but her husband doesn’t really see it that way. So, when her husband doesn’t take out the trash, she gets frustrated and upset and the husband has no idea what is going on.

Tip: To help resolve this issue, realize your own contracts and talk about them with your spouse. Clarify your expectations for your spouse; it helps when you do this in writing so you both may remember how to be there for one another. Strive to negotiate and find a solution that is well-suiting to both partners. You can change and modify your personal contracts and expectations. We don’t have to define a situation between us and our partners as right or wrong; we can see them as differences that need to be worked out for mutual satisfaction.

Role Expectations. We all have expectations of what roles we desire our spouse to fill. For example, I knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom while my kids were growing up and I made this role expectation known to my husband long before we were married. Luckily, he desired that, too. However, there are role expectations we may have for our spouse they don’t necessarily like. When our expectations are causing issues, I would suggest we take a step to observe our expectations and determine – humbly – what expectations we can and cannot live without. I would then suggest following the tips stated above to help resolve beneficial personal contracts. Remember to open and honest with your partner.

I hope you experience great joy in your marriage as you strive to apply and remember these principles.

Imagine you are a college student who wants a spouse but doesn’t know where to start. What do you do?

In this post, I will discuss the four steps that will prepare you for marriage, and they are date, courtship, engagement, and marriage. I am doing this because love is very important to our psychological, physical, and spiritual way of being; we truly need affection, intimacy, and romantic relationships.

Dating

Most people are hanging out and then hooking up. This is not an effective way to date.

There is a concept called casual dating that I would suggest we do, where a man and a woman make a plan to go out for a time, get to know one another a bit and enjoy time together, and then go their separate ways to their homes. Sounds pretty basic right? What is different about this type of dating is that there is no pressure on either the male or female to think of this person as someone to marry. This type of dating is focused on becoming friends and learning more about each other. Many people believe that males and females do not ask the other out on dates because they are afraid that the person they are asking will think they want a permanent relationship. Casual dating helps rid of fear and make dating fun, not scary.

Dating also doesn’t have to be for a long time nor expensive. For example, for Prom, many high school students make it an all-day event starting at 11:00 am going to almost midnight where the food and activities are quite expensive. Some of the best dates I have been on have been to get a $1 ice cream cone and walk around the park for an hour.

Dating is supposed to be a fun way to get to know what you would like to have in a future spouse and how you would like to grow and change before you are marriage-ready. Dating is not the time to commit to marriage. Dating is also not the time to commit to being with someone in exclusive dating; this comes later. When dating, it is good to go on dates with a variety of people to see what you like. When dating a variety of people, it is best to stay away from kissing and holding hands, as this can be misleading.

Dating like this is better than hanging out because it is clear who you are with and where your focus should be. A date is also meant to be planned while hanging out often does not tell you when it is meant to end. Having an ending point makes dating less stressful for both individuals.

Courtship

After dating comes courtship. This is the time when, after you have gone on a few dates with someone, you decide you really like them and they really like you, so you both agree to date exclusively. This is when you don’t go on dates with anyone else; you go on dates with and focus on getting to know this particular person more in-depth. This is the time when you start to date for the purpose of marriage; you are trying to see if this is the person you want to one day marry. It is not a commitment to marry, but a consideration to marry. It is important to not touch or be physically intimate with a person more than you know them. In short, spend much more time going on dates and talking than kissing or holding hands. Remember this principle: it takes 3 months for you to just begin to know a person. It takes a while to really get to know someone, so be careful with how much trust, reliance, commitment, and attachment you give this person until you know them better.

Engagement

After courting this person for a while, you decide that this person has all the things you want in a spouse, so you propose and she says yes! Engagement is a crucial step; it formally states to each other and all else that you are committed to marrying that person. Now, you can still break off an engagement if you feel need be, but an engagement tells the other individual that you are working toward marriage with them, so strive to be sure with yourself and the Lord that this is the person you desire to marry.

Marriage

The last step is marriage. After getting married, be sure to continue to date your spouse -ACTUALLY date. Be sure to put even more commitment into your marriage than you did in your courtship and engagement. Give 100% of yourself to your spouse and to God, and your marriage will be rewarding and happy. Not easy, but definitely happy.

There is much controversy concerning gender in our day. Many say that gender doesn’t really make a difference in our daily life or that it doesn’t really matter at all. Many also may say that gender is really a social or cultural concept. For example, people believe that society or culture gives girls “girly” things so they like “girly” things, and visa versa with boys. This has led people to engage in gender-neutral parenting, thinking that there are no differences between boys and girls. However, research suggests otherwise. Today, I will discuss the many biological differences between boys and girls, why gender matters, and the scientific research and spiritual revelation to support.

Differences

As stated above, there are many biological differences between boys and girls. The statement is supported by the article, “Infants Prefer Toys by Gender” when it states, “Gender may be a social construct, according to modern sociological thinking, but biologically infants prefer toys by sex long before gender identity is demonstrated”. This is a tall claim to make, but this article has some good research to back it up. The article tells of a study that was done on three age groups of young children: ages 9-17 months, ages 18-23 months, and ages 24-32 months old. The researchers in this study observed the play preferences of the children without parental influence. What they found is remarkable: “Stereotypical toy preferences were found in boys and girls in each of the age groups, even too young to understand gender. With age, both boys and girls tended to prefer toys stereotyped for boys…For girls, the toys were a doll, a pink teddy bear and a cooking pan, while boys had a car, a blue teddy, a digger and a ball” (ACSH Staff, 2016). The results were consistent as well. This hypothesis was made, “Biological differences give boys an aptitude for mental rotation and more interest and ability in spatial processing, while girls are more interested in looking at faces and better at fine motor skills and manipulating objects…Although there was variability between individual children, we found that, in general, boys played with male-typed toys more than female-typed toys and girls played with female-typed toys more than male-typed toy” (ACSH Staff, 2016).

To give the claim of there being biological differences between genders even more credit, a video by John Stossel shows research that proves certain differences. For example, it was generally observed that: 

1. Girls want to talk, develop relationships, be dainty and cute
2. Boys want to be more aggressive and noisy.
3. Women have trouble with maps but remember landmarks better while guys typically go by the time of travel and directions (north and south)
4. Women have a better memory for detail
5. Men and women think with different areas of their brain (men with more grey matter and women with more white matter) when thinking about the same thing a woman is thinking about.

The Y chromosome, they have found, makes the brain differences between males and females. Please remember that the aspects concerning the aforementioned list are just generalities. The differences between individuals are in more abundance than differences between genders, so really, everyone is different!

Importance of Gender

The research mentioned above shows that gender is biological and therefore is important to be thought of as we raise, help, and think of our families. It is not only important to remember the scientific and biological importance, but also the spiritual importance of gender. In the document called “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”, it states that, “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose”. Along with gender comes gender roles within the family that are not only biologically innate, but also spiritually innate. These roles are, “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. ‘Children are an heritage of the Lord’ (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” (. Many times, we confuse these roles; women trying to become men and men being pummeled into the dirt. However,  it is important to remember that equality is where everyone has the same opportunities, but it doesn’t mean we are all the same.

References

ACSH Staff. (2016). Infants prefer toys by gender. American Council on Science and Health: Promoting science and debunking junk since 1978. Retrieved from

https://www.acsh.org/news/2016/07/22/infants-prefer-toys-by-gender?utm_source=email%20marketing%20Mailigen&utm_campaign=News%207.29.16&utm_medium=email

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles. (1995). The family: A proclamation to the world. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Traditions and cultures can be wonderful. One of my favorite traditions is when I get to help my family in putting all the Christmas decorations on our Christmas tree, and one of my favorite things about my culture is the focus on the gospel of Jesus Christ. We all look forward to the days we celebrate our traditions and in which we actively participate in our culture.

However, there are also many traditions (inherited patterns of behavior and beliefs) and cultures that do not edify and uplift us and our families; in fact, there are many traditions and cultures that may be detrimental to our families. For example, many in the United States used to have the tradition of slavery; they believed African Americans to be unequal. We all know the untruthfulness and the damage this tradition brought to individuals and families alike. In this post, I will discuss some of the traditions and cultures that may encourage or not encourage the best in families. I will also discuss some of the traditions and aspects of my culture that I desire to keep and pass on as well as ones I desire to discard.

Detrimental Traditions:

Some examples of traditions that are detrimental to the family include:

1. Premarital Sex
2. Cohabitation
3. Emotional Abuse
4. Physical Abuse
5. Drug Abuse
6. Divorce
7. Low Education

Detrimental Aspects of Culture:

Some examples of detrimental aspects of culture include demeaning social institutions, such as thinking a group of people are inferior (stereotypes, racism, and being closed off from the world (overprotective, overly closed family life, etc.)

Positive Traditions and Cultures:

Some examples of positive traditions and cultures are traditions and cultures that strengthen the family and bring them together, such as wholesome family recreation (e.g. going on vacation every summer). quality time (e.g. talking and confiding), saying “I love you”, giving hugs and kisses, being open with one another, communicating effectively and with kindness, and religious activity.

Traditions I Desire to Keep:

I want to keep these traditions:

1. Having big Sunday dinners
2. Having a family get-together every month
3. Having family prayer and scripture study every night
4. Being a stay-at-home mom while my children are going to school
5. Saying “I love you” all the time
6. Giving hugs when we come home
7. Be kind and humble, always
8. Help anyone who is in need if we have the means to help
9. Go to church every Sunday
10. Go camping in the summer

Traditions I Want to Discard:

1. Worrying and/or fighting about little things
2. Divorce
3. Cohabitation
4. Abuse

Aspects of my Culture I Desire to Keep

1. Living the gospel of Jesus Christ and following Him
2. Having openness and good communication with my family
3. Being warm toward family and all people
4. Rising early and going to bed early

Aspects of my Culture I Want to Discard:

1. A tendency to be lazy/idle
2. A tendency to be perfectionist
3. Under-planning and under-acting on set plans

I desire to keep the aforementioned traditions and cultures because they bring much joy and success into my life. In addition, they benefit, uplift, and inspire not only me, but also my husband and family, and I desire to do everything and anything I can to bless my family for years to come. I desire to get rid of the aforementioned detrimental traditions and cultures because they do and will not serve me nor my family; they bring misery and a life that is not as full as it could be. I would invite you to look into your own life and rid of any of the detrimental traditions and/or cultures that are making your life and your family’s life unhappy or not-as-good as it could be. If it is not serving you, it is not worth your time. You CAN change your culture, I promise. I also invite you to create and encourage more positive and uplifting traditions into your life that will benefit both you and your families. I know you and your family will be blessed for your efforts and the changes that will come. May our Heavenly Father help you in your journey!